I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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