I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize