Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
