That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
