I wish you could order shots online.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
