Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
