We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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