I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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