Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
