I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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