Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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