I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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