So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
