Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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