apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
