also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
