Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
