Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
