Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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