Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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