We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
