My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
