Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
