MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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