This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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