In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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