She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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