Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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