I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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