Well douche your snatch and let's go!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
