i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
