No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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