I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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