Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
