Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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