i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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