my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
