she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
