So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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