i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
