He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
