We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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