Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
