tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize