is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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