the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize