My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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