If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
