Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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