They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
