Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
