If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Randomize
