He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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