is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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