U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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