I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
