Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
