dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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