I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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