Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
