my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
