Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize